“Living a life is like being raped. If you cannot resist, just lie down and enjoy”
My progress has again been hindered by the mistake I made 3.5 years ago.
Fair or not, it is what happened.
However, I feel not so bad about it this time!
Naturally, I was again brought back to the scene mentally.
I thought I would again feel wronged and feel like shit for a while and then helplessly move on, like so many times in the past.
To my surprise, I found myself recalling only the good “reactions” of the people involved, and that made me feel better.
Previously, I always thought I did not deserve it and resented the behaviors of some people involved in the incident.
They could have easily prevented the incident from happening. Instead, they made things worse unnecessarily.
Previously, I also told myself that I could only blame myself . But that was mostly from a practical point of view.
Punishing those people is not within my circle of influences. If it were, I believe I would have acted long time back. So I told myself I could only blame myself.
Now, however, I think I really see the point why I can only blame myself.
People were not evil and I was ultimately responsible for my own mistake, intentionally or not.
These thoughts have allowed me to feel not so bad about the recent setback.
The second reason why I do not feel as bad is what I have experienced.
During the past 2 years, I have been in similar situations multiple times.
Mentally, I have been there, so it is less scary now.
Practically, I can do much better in risk management. So the consequence won’t be nearly as bad as what I experienced last year.
The third reason, probably also the most important one, is that I start to take a different perspective.
Will it really be better for me to lead a busy and tough life with the hope to become successful and rich one day, compared to living a relaxing life where I can probably still have enough money to get by?
I have always pursued the former, because I want to have options, because I have the desire to prove myself and because I have been educated to do so.
After the incident, I had one more reason to stick to the former. I really do not accept that one single mistake can limit my life in any way.
I have been fighting against it.
I never really allowed myself to think about what I really want. I never thought I deserved the “luxury”.
But once I start to take that thoughts, things look different.
All the lost opportunities during the past 2–3 years, including the recent one, are basically just “trades” — I spend much more time in work and expose myself to much more pressure, to trade for much more learnings, money and higher positions.
I did not get those opportunities and therefore, I had time to maintain this blog and do many other things, including sitting in the sofa and look stupid.
The opportunities are not pure gain or loss situations. They simply allow me the option to carry out the trades.
I have been miserable for being denied those options to trade.
I have never evaluated whether those trades are indeed good for me. If they are not, why would I need the options in the first place?
Since fate has been so insistent in keeping me in the latter, maybe I should accept and relax and see where life takes me.
I can give up planning everything ahead, worrying about potential risks in the future that may never happen, and taking all the responsivities on my own shoulder. I can simply relax.
A joke was very popular over the internet a decade ago:
- Living a life is like being raped. If you cannot resist, just lie down and enjoy.
Once a wise man gave his opinion:
- Life is hard itself and it is fine as long as you have tried your best.
Maybe I can just relax and things could just work out, because so far, it surely feels “The harder I fight, the deeper I am trapped”.