Surprise! I made the hard decision to “Chicken out”, but I did not get to!

Photo by pixpoetry on Unsplash

A simple background intro: I was out of a job in Jan 2020 and then the Covid-19 hit. My mentor offered me a position overseas in his team against all odds after his company had frozen all headcounts. However, due to border control, I have not been able to onboard, which means I am not getting paid. It has been 10 months.

A VP in my previous company reached out to me in Jun 2020 and offered me a promotion for me to go back. I said “No” and felt terrible at that time. You can read more about it in the below post.

The same VP reached out to me again 4 weeks ago and told me that he really wanted me back for the position.

I knew he was sincere as I understood exactly what he needed done and I knew I was probably the best match he could find because I had done it before and built myself a bit of reputation in the same company.

I really gave it some serious thoughts this time, because the main stopper back in Jun — cannot break my commitment to my mentor — was gone.

About one week after I rejected the VP in Jun, I had a routine chat with my mentor and I brought up this episode. My mentor appreciated my commitment to him given my challenging financial situation and shared that he also felt the responsibility for my situation and was always trying to find ways to make it up to me, which also added to his pressure.

Therefore, he would keep my offer for as long as needed and he was perfectly fine if I started looking for something locally.

Since then I have not really started looking. Maybe I have been lazy. Maybe deep down I still want to go for this opportunity with my mentor. Maybe I believe subconsciously that the border will reopen soon.

However, the VP reaching out again really stirred my “desire” to go for something with more certainty and more “ease”.

So after much struggling myself and discussing with my mentor, I told the VP that I would pursue it. And the VP promised the same promotion as back in Jun.

After getting off the call with the VP, I felt a deep sense of “relief”: Yean! I chickened out, finally! And the wait could finally be over.

I really believed the hardest part was the decision and it was over.

I would start work really soon and solve the problem for the VP, because the VP was really eager for me to start as soon as possible.

And then maybe I can explore working together with my mentor again in 2 or 3 years.

Next should all be formalities and it should be settled really soon.

Photo by James Lee on Unsplash

So I was just waiting for the offer to come to me.

Two weeks later, I did an interview with the HRBP, which was supposed to be only a formality.

And I was waiting…

Until now, I still have not received the offer.

During all this time, the VP and I kept in touch, just with reducing frequency. And he has been telling me everything is going as planned.

Just I believe him less every time he tells me the same thing.

And according to an ex-colleague and friend, things are stuck with the HR and the VP is not really pushing hard enough.

I am just disappointed that the VP is not upfront with me and instead, he just tells me everything is fine, like he would not even want to take the time to explain things to me.

The feeling of obligation towards the VP due to his “twice” reaching out is completed gone now.

Yesterday, I decided to stop contacting him and turn into “passive” waiting mode.

It is ok to me. I had to struggle so much to make the decision and now I would just go back to my original plan.

Now I just feel stupid and pity for all the struggles I went through to make the decision to “Chicken out”.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

So thinking back the whole incident, I could not help noticing that I was limited by my own worries.

I was limited by my own worries from making the best decisions.

Back in Jun, I could have discussed with my mentor before I single-handed made the decision to reject the VP.

I was worried about that my mentor might feel disappointed due to my “lack of commitment”. However, It never came to me that my situation could also add to his pressure.

Discussing it with my mentor might have yielded better outcomes for all three of us.

I was limited by my own worries from focusing on the most critical problems.

Back in Jun, I was worried about my commitment to my mentor and 4 week ago, I was worried about the long-term vs short-term, family time, life style, future plans etc etc.

I focused soly on making the decisions to choose Option A or Option B.

However, I failed to notice the most critical and hard reality: I did not have the options!

I was worrying myself to death, twice, for an offer I never had.

I would have been able to save all those worries and struggling if I only waited until I had the offer.

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Top-tier consultants seeking life purpose and self-realization

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